Madness.

I do not take enough time for myself.

I do not write as much as I’d like. (Or at all right now, really.)

I do not exercise as much as I’d like. (Or at all right now, really.)

I’m sure there are other things I’m neglecting, but writing and exercise are the most important to me right now.

Shit. Fuck. Gorram.

This needs to stop, guys. I need to get better at taking care of myself.

(I’ll try to come back soon. I have so many ideas. So many saved drafts of great ideas to finish.)

I MISS YOU!

Corey Taylor – X-M@$

UNT.

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9 thoughts on “Madness.

  1. Alright lady, listen up.
    Don’t be so damn hard on yourself! I know it’s hard and I know you want to be productive and get back to ‘normal’. I know that celebrities and the media and super crazy women make it look easy and it’s so easy to see women who have shit down by that 6 weeks with a newborn. But honestly? Z is what…4 months? That means you only JUST left the infamous 4th trimester. 4 months is NOTHING, you JUST had a baby Kim! Give yourself a break for a while. It’s hard to go easy on yourself. I know I was dealing with a lot of other shit besides having a baby, but I don’t think it was until J was maybe a year that I felt like his energy and independence gave me more time to focus on me. It’s fucking hard that first year. It’s okay to be easy on yourself, it’s okay to slack off. You’ll never get this time with Z back, you’ll have more time for you. It’ll get easier, but it’s gonna take some time.

    So with that said here’s my other advice. You need to sit down with the hubby tonight and tell him that every Saturday (or maybe every other Saturday), after you feed the kid in the morning, he’s to take him away and shove your ass out the door and then not let you back in and not to give the kid back until you’ve had at least an hour of alone time.
    Do it. Go easy on yourself, just go out for coffee and feel good if you write one sentence. Hell even if all you have to write down is that you feel proud you got out of the house.
    I’m going to tweet you endlessly this Saturday to make sure you’re doing this, okay?

    ❤ (ps- I think my original comment had more to say? Or less? I can't remember lol but I tried to be as loving in my lecturing as possible 😉 )

    • Hah! I love you. So big.

      You’re right. I did just have a miniature human. I think I just WANT to write so badly sometimes that it makes me feel like I should. I know there’s always time, especially with writing. On the other hand, I also know that I have to go back to work at some point and then I will have zero minutes between Z, my relationship with N, work and every other bloody thing. That’s where that whole “you have to MAKE time” idea comes in. And you’re right. I need to take a few hours on the weekend for myself. To read. To write. To sip coffee and just enjoy the quiet. Whatever. (N would love that. He has great fun with his Daddy/Son time and he knows how nice it is for me to have some time alone, or just to have the change of pace of cleaning the bathroom or making a pot of chili.)

      I think this is part of what I’m really looking forward to in your journaling course this year. It’s easier to handwrite than type with a tiny person – easier to go back to a pen and paper. (And easier to take a journal to bed.) AND I am hoping to include just enough “art journaling” creativity to start stretching my imagination again. I think that will help. I need to kickstart some habits.

      Thank you, K. 🙂 I appreciate you and your bringing me back to “FFS woman, you have a four-month old. Chill the fuck out!” 😉 ❤

  2. Admittedly I have never balanced work/child/blog but I do work/study/blog. I find the writing relaxes me so I make it a priority over TV or social media. We all need a little relaxing time, otherwise we go crazy!

    • That is so true! A little chillaxin’ is a great, great thing. And work/study/write is a very difficult balance to strike, too. I have absolutely been there. Making the time is just not easy all of the time, is it?

  3. First of all—I love that you said Gorram. ❤

    Second of all—you are not alone in this. It's so hard to take the time to do what we really need, and you JUST had TLM! Slowly start to try to carve out time to do what you love. The important thing, for me, is to remind myself that even though vegging out in front of the TV is easy it is not as rewarding as exercise or writing, and I have to force myself to do what I know I love (which is weird, right?!).

    Third of all—don't be too hard on yourself. You are still amazing even if you didn't workout today, and if you didn't write what you wanted. Be nice to yourself. 🙂

    • Firefly, FTW!

      It is funny how easy it is to watch TV or surf Pinterest and how difficult it can be to sit down and write. But, I guess, it’s the difference between eating McDonald’s and a homecooked meal. McD’s is quick, easy and leaves my belly full, but it’s a shit substitute for the feeling of having eaten real food.

      🙂 Thanks lady. I appreciate all of this. A lot.

  4. I think you are doing great. And what I think should matter to you. Just kidding. But really – I know you feel like you are the same Kim. And you are. But you aren’t on the same Kim time. That’s all. You will get back on again soon. Just a little time warp. At least you have had your crib together this whole time!!!

    • Hah! Up until about a month ago we didn’t have a crib, and we’re still not using the one we (finally) got. (TLM is in a bassinet. But he’s almost too long for it, so it’s just about crib time!)

      It’s kind of funny you should write that about being “the same Kim,” because I said that at dinner last night (I was out with friends while TLM and his daddy chillaxed at home). I don’t spend all of my time talking about the baby, I still get out and see the same people for the same dates at the same frequency I used to (I just tend not to drink). I still feel very much myself, which is really, really nice.

      You’re right. All of you folks are right, it’s just about time. It’ll come. I just have to take advantage of these snippets of time when I can. 🙂

      • Phew! It’s not just me being slow on the crib! Or maybe we are both right on time. I have this image of what the perfect mother would do and it has not really aligned with what I have managed to do.

        I was very surprised to feel like the exact same Beck after my baby was born. And it seems almost everyone around me doesn’t really understand that I am the same Beck. At least the ones without kids. They have the same idea that I did – I would magically become someone else as soon as the baby was born. Not so. And thank goodness (except the people not understanding part. It really frustrates me).

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