Disconnected.

Disconnected Tweet

I feel disconnected from almost every aspect of my life. I am grateful that I, very strongly, feel the threads that connect me to my husband and son. I do not question those relationships. At all.

In all other nooks and crannies, I feel like an Other. I am standing outside, feet planted in cold slush, watching my life through frosted glass. (Disconnection, to me, is cold. It is Scrooge watching the shindig at Fezziwig’s. …because of course my life would be a Disney movie.)

I have pulled away from relationships. I had to. I felt overwhelmed and obligated. I was tired of being treated like a (fucking) disappointment. I couldn’t live in the state of constant guilt (tripping). I was being judged. I didn’t feel safe. (Depression lies.)

I look in on a dream. I look in on two ideas that I think are really, really good. I look in on a smattering of idea fragments that have incredible potential. I look in on them and I smile, acknowledging their existence, and then I look away and pretend that they belong to someone else.

It is really very strange to feel a part of your body and Self and, at the same time, feel like a complete stranger. Who is this person I have become? I both love her and hate her. I love that she is strong, feisty, caring and wants to help others. I hate that she is weak, demeaned, and always puts herself last.

How do you reconnect with your Self? Gently, I suppose. Do you court her? Romance her quietly, taking her out to dinner, involving yourself in the things she loves, showing a real interest and making her feel special. Isn’t that how you rebuild and maintain other relationships?

Me time.

Artist dates.

STFU and GTFO, Inner Critic and assholes of my life. You’re not welcome.

Fuck everyone (Diandra)

(Tweet @ ohsweetie. I had to include her Twitter background because it makes me happy.)

Be gentle. Be kind. Understand your worth. Know your talent. Accept yourself.

Ugh.

I am so fucking fragmented.

Eminem – The Way I Am

UNT.

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13 thoughts on “Disconnected.

  1. I feel disconnected fairly frequently—I think it may be my mind’s way of dealing with feeling so very overwhelmed and stressed. Anyway, I think that just dealing with myself gently is my own key. I make a habit to think good things about myself. Sometimes I will write down good things about myself in my journal. NO BAD. Just good.

    Me time is so important. And so is being nice to yourself (I need to practice what I preach, but I’m gettin’ there). Also, here is a great video about being alone that you might like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

    Hugs and love you ❤ All the love and the hugs and the tea and the cookies and baths (and the wine).

    • I like the idea that it’s the mind’s way of dealing. That’s actually a really neat way of looking at it. And you’re right. Gentle.

      I’ve been finding that, with The Morning Pages (because I don’t journal), there are days when I have to consciously switch gears and start writing positive, good things, because I’m getting myself into such a funk with The Bad that it’s going to make everything worse. Funny how we can do that.

      I love that video about being alone. It’s so lovely!

      (Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you – this blog, I tells ya. No time to be made, these days!)

      • LOL blogs take time! So no worries.

        And yes, writing positive things is important… I need to take the time to do that sometimes because I get caught up in feeling depressed and sad and life is terrible blah blah blah. It helps to just get outta my own head! 🙂

  2. Right there with you. I think it’s yet another one of those unspoken things about the postpartum experience. (As you wrote about a while back but I just now read because I’m waaaaay behind!) The world sees you differently – and maybe you are different – either way it’s a struggle to plug back into place. The deeper I get into this motherhood (especially the loneliness of single motherhood) the more I think otherness and difficult postpartum periods have to do with the disappearance of the village. In particular the extinction of knowledge about our life cycle and rites of passage that goes along with the disappearance of the village.

    Motherhood is at once uniting and dividing. Never have I understood the experience of generations of women than I have since birthing a baby. But never have I felt so left out and judged at the same time (ie “you cosleep?!!!” “You don’t cosleep??!!!” “Cloth diapers? Ewww!” “Disposable diapers? Tsktsk!” Etcetcetc)

    I don’t have time or resources for much of this but the things I want to do to reconnect are: go for a walk or bike ride alone, bake cookies, start a mothers/parents group co-op/space and organize around this otherness, write/blog ( I have so much to say but nooooo time), read, road trip just me and baby (we did just do this one for 3 weeks).

    All that to say: I get it and I can’t wait to hear what’s next.

    • Motherhood IS dividing, isn’t it? That is an excellent way to put it. It’s amazing, but so…different…. (The Mommy Comparisons make me crazy! All of the judging, none of the actual supporting, encouraging and helping.)

      All of your reconnecting ideas? Love them. I do those things, too. They tend to work, especially if I have time for more than one of them, which is always awesome.

      Thank you, lady. 🙂 I’ve missed you and I think about you and your little dude often! I hope things are really, really great. 🙂 ❤

      • I’ve missed you! And your writing. I want to read more about your thoughts on birth and postpartum! We went through a landslide of illnesses and a few months of being nomads while I found us a new place to call home. Then there was a road trip and a doula training thrown in there. I’m trying to get back into my blog but I feel like I’m in a murky patch of motherhood – and worklife – that is hard for me to write about.

        And! I just realized I didn’t mention I’ve been doing this other thing that helps me reconnect! Ironically, that thing is disconnecting from the internet. I’m experimenting with not having the internet available at home and I’m finding it very refreshing. It also makes it hard to blog regularly but…not too many people notice in my case! 😉

        Hope to post in again soon!

      • Lady! Doula training. YES! I’ve just started on the required reading for DONA birth doula training to prep for the course when(ever) it comes here. Did you do birth or postpartum training? Are you practising yet? How is it going? (Blog about this, imo.)

        Unplugging is a great way of reconnecting, you’re right. When we go to visit my in-laws, I don’t check anything online. (They have unreliable internet, at best.) It’s actually pretty awesome, you’re right. I have been trying to book myself into some offline writing time, recently. That’s been good.

        You’re awesome. Thank you. 🙂 I hope things are going really well for you and the little man. 🙂 I hope you’re able to write about things soon, even if it’s just for you, just to get things out of your head and onto “paper.” (Or actual paper too, because that’s awesome.)

  3. I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s something I go through a -lot-. That odd feeling of having your mind and eyes covered, watching yourself from outside of your body, feeling emotionless about almost everything (I too never feel emotionless, etc. around Jen and our babies.) It’s a cold emptiness, and a heartache. I was told this is disassociation, often people who have suffered abusive or trauma have this. Neither of which I really did, save for my father who was an alcoholic. Lots of fighting in our home. Once almost an actual punch when I was little. That was all.

    Maybe I do disassociate myself. Maybe it’s part of the roller coaster that is being bipolar, maybe it’s my OCD or anxiety. I don’t know. But I *HATE IT.* I rarely see anyone posting about this, and I don’t think many people go through this feeling, so thank you for sharing. I hope you feel much better very soon.

    • That’s all? Good grief, lady. Fighting, alcoholism and almost being punched isn’t smooth-sailing. I can appreciate where you’re coming from with “that was all,” but I think you need to give yourself a shit-tonne of credit. Even great upbringings have their darksides. Mine was, by definition, golden, but it wasn’t all unicorns and lollipops by any stretch. (Sometimes emotional scars are the worst. They aren’t given the same credence. You can’t tell so much from someone’s past if they aren’t covered in war wounds. It’s really not easy, is it? …depression is bullshit.)

      Thank you for associating with this. 🙂 It’s awful to know that you’ve been there and felt that, but it feels less lonely.

      I feel better, and worse, depending on the day and how much thinking I do. It’s a really weird, like you said, roller coaster of ALL THE THINGS (mine are just different things). 😉

  4. I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s something I go through a -lot-. That odd feeling of having your mind and eyes covered, watching yourself from outside of your body, feeling emotionless about almost everything (I too never feel emotionless, etc. around Jen and our babies.) It’s a cold emptiness, and a heartache. I was told this is disassociation, often people who have suffered abusive or trauma have this. Neither of which I really did, save for my father who was an alcoholic. Lots of fighting in our home. Once almost an actual punch when I was little. That was all.

    Maybe I do disassociate myself. Maybe it’s part of the roller coaster that is being bipolar, maybe it’s my OCD or anxiety. I don’t know. But I *HATE IT.* I rarely see anyone posting about this, and I don’t think many people go through this feeling, so thank you for sharing. I hope you feel much better very soon. (P.S. This may come through twice, logging in did something weird.)

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