I feel disconnected from almost every aspect of my life. I am grateful that I, very strongly, feel the threads that connect me to my husband and son. I do not question those relationships. At all.
In all other nooks and crannies, I feel like an Other. I am standing outside, feet planted in cold slush, watching my life through frosted glass. (Disconnection, to me, is cold. It is Scrooge watching the shindig at Fezziwig’s. …because of course my life would be a Disney movie.)
I have pulled away from relationships. I had to. I felt overwhelmed and obligated. I was tired of being treated like a (fucking) disappointment. I couldn’t live in the state of constant guilt (tripping). I was being judged. I didn’t feel safe. (Depression lies.)
I look in on a dream. I look in on two ideas that I think are really, really good. I look in on a smattering of idea fragments that have incredible potential. I look in on them and I smile, acknowledging their existence, and then I look away and pretend that they belong to someone else.
It is really very strange to feel a part of your body and Self and, at the same time, feel like a complete stranger. Who is this person I have become? I both love her and hate her. I love that she is strong, feisty, caring and wants to help others. I hate that she is weak, demeaned, and always puts herself last.
How do you reconnect with your Self? Gently, I suppose. Do you court her? Romance her quietly, taking her out to dinner, involving yourself in the things she loves, showing a real interest and making her feel special. Isn’t that how you rebuild and maintain other relationships?
STFU and GTFO, Inner Critic and assholes of my life. You’re not welcome.
(Tweet @ ohsweetie. I had to include her Twitter background because it makes me happy.)
Be gentle. Be kind. Understand your worth. Know your talent. Accept yourself.
I am so fucking fragmented.