When I think about you, I judge myself.

Scale(Image found @ The Kissy Project)

So holy shit.

I thought I was doing really well, folks.

I’m super pro body positivity. I encourage the shit out of people embracing their wonderful selves and feeling comfortable in their skin, and I support them when they make changes if they are not comfortable.

You go, amazing people!

Here’s the thing. I made a choice to make changes in February. TLM hit the six month mark (which makes him eleven months old tomorrow. I know, right? So fast) and started rocking solid foods, and I decided that I needed to get my shit together. I needed to get back out and walking, start eating more cleanly, and start upping the energy level that I was going to need to keep up to this little tyke as he grew bigger and stronger (every single day).

So I did. We started walking (mostly around the concourse of a local hockey arena, open during the week for walking, because February in Northern BC is cold), I started eating better, and I joined My Fitness Pal (because I know the virtue, for me, of a food diary. I’ve done it before, pen and paper style, and it’s a great tool to keep you motivated and to understand what you’re eating and when).

Between then and now, I’ve lost over twenty pounds. I am, in fact, at a weight I can’t remember ever being. (I had a pre-pregnancy weight goal in mind and when I trounced it, I challenged myself to a loftier, but still healthy and realistic, goal.) I feel great. I am stronger and have more energy than I can remember being or having for a long time. (I still have a long way to go. I’d like, when I go back to work, to join a gym again and start a weight and resistance regime to go with my cardio program.) And hey? I won’t lie, it feels great to fit into my jeans again.

Now, here’s the shit. I stepped on the scale (don’t get me started. We actually bought the scale so that we’d have a better idea of how TLM was progressing weight wise, between appointments with our family doctor), saw that number that was ten pounds less than I was at my previous Best, yearsandyears ago, and I cringed.

Twenty pounds and I fucking cringed. Because I had gone up a pound in a week*.

You like that?

Me either. I caught myself doing it though and shook my head. And okay, I was more amused than frustrated. Or amusedly frustrated, anyway. I know where it comes from and at least I recognized it and cut that shit out.

That’s how deep it runs, though. I know damn well where healthy lives for me, and I’m there. I’m proud of myself for deciding to make changes, for me, and meeting them. I’m thrilled with the progression I’ve made. (Without, I might add, cutting my ice cream consumption. I still have a small bowl every night.) More than that, I’m really happy with the confidence it’s helped to build. Not physical self-esteem confidence (though that’s there, too), but “make a decision, put your mind to it, work hard and you’ll succeed” confidence. It’s helped me understand, accept, and not fear the work that will go into writing my Magnum Opus, completing birth doula certification and pursuing more freelance writing gigs. This success has had a monumental effect on my attitude.

So my cringing when I looked at the scale and judged myself for gaining a pound makes me angry. It makes me angry because I have so much residual self-condemnation after having been judged, and taught to judge myself, for so many years.

The work you have to do to let go of all of the negativity that the assholes of the world push on you is fucking mind boggling. I’m so sorry if you have ever felt an inch of this. It’s bullshit and you shouldn’t feel it. You’re amazing. Did you know that?

Here. Again. Diandra has it right.

Fuck everyone (Diandra)

Be gentle with your awesome selves, folks. Be gentle and fucking pwn the world, because you’re BAMFs.

P!nk (feat. Redman and Rockwilder) – Get The Party Started (Sweet Dreams remix)


*And let me tell you, this has not been an easy month, nevermind week. It’s actually been a pretty shit year. We thank our lucky stars that TLM came to us when he did, our bright little beacon of amazing. (Honestly? I think he was a bit of balance in The Universe.)



21 thoughts on “When I think about you, I judge myself.

  1. It’s SO easy to tear ourselves apart over the simplest things. I cannot even put into words how much I love this post. Keep being amazing.

  2. You are awesome for writing this and I admire your determination to stick with your fitness goals. This is a great post and it resonates with me on a pretty deep level. I actually had one of my “bad days” last week and it pissed me off because I’ve made so much progress in the self-love department, but like you mentioned, that stuff runs deep.

    • Awh. Hah, thank you! 🙂 I’m glad you connected with this post, but I am sorry that you have these kinds of days, too. They’re just pretty awful. Not to have the days themselves, because bad days happen, but to truly understand how much work you actually have to do to get at the root of these issues. It’s incredible. (And frustrating.)

      I’m so glad you’ve made huge progress in your self-love party, though. That’s badass! 🙂

  3. Thanks for posting this! I think it’s important for people to realize that no matter how much we love and forgive ourselves, we can still have low moments. I stopped weighing myself (except at the doctor’s office) because no matter how low or high the number I would find myself obsessing over it. It’s easier if I don’t have the temptation of a scale around. 🙂

    • Thanks so much for reading it! You know, up until we decided to buy the scale for TLM (and honestly it was because he’d been “underweight” for so long and I was just tired of listening to doctors and wanted to monitor it more closely at home), I didn’t own a scale because I am exactly like that. I have to stop myself from stepping onto the thrice bedamned thing. I hate it. It’s like this weird gravitational pull. Ugh. (My doctor never weighs me and the midwife didn’t through my whole pregnancy – at the tail end she measured my belly, though. I went YEARS without knowing exactly what I weighed. It was actually really awesome.)

  4. It’s easier to tear yourself down than to build yourself up, and that in itself is just sad. Regardless, GO YOU! Sounds like you’re kicking ass! And also, the fact that you noticed the thought and were all “wtf?” means that you’re doing way better than you probably even realize. It’s hard to even get to that point.

    Anyway, positive body image is hard. We will get there. 🙂

    • WHY? Why is it so much easier to tear yourself down than to pat yourself on the back? It’s fucking ridiculous that that’s A Thing. You’re right, it is sad. That shit needs to stop being okay.

      THANK YOU. ❤

  5. Super proud of you for cutting that out as it came to you, i’m heavier than i’ve ever been right now and i’m constantly berating myself for thinking that I *should* WANT to be thinner. And I don’t. Not enough to motivate me anyway. I’m really pretty okay with how fat I am right now but still that nagging voice persists. I’m working on it, and i’m proud of you for your hard work on your own happiness and proud of you for shutting up the voice that would take it from you!

  6. timberwolf1771 says:

    Nice to read your writing again! I love reading what you write. You are saying a lot of the same things I tell people when I work with them either through martial arts, yoga or just to make them feel better about themselves. Very well written!

      • timberwolf1771 says:

        It’s totally my pleasure. I’m just glad I was directed to your new site. I need to start reading your blog again. 🙂

  7. You know what’s pretty amazing though? You have this sense of awareness around what happened, and you can actively take steps to change that – to shift your mindset, and say “You know what? I’m making really incredible progress and I choose to celebrate that.”

    I struggle with this sometimes too – whenever there’s a scale around, I know that I’ll become a bit ‘numbers-obsessed’ if I hop on. So I have to consciously choose to go by how I feel, and set the intention for vibrancy + nourishment rather than hitting a specific number.

    That SMALL (but mighty) SHIFT can change it all.

    • I am incredibly thankful that I’ve learned enough to be able to recognize that and filter those thoughts. 🙂 Thank you. It’s pretty incredible how difficult it can be, and that you actually to have to actively acknowledge it. It breaks my heart that it’s so ingrained, and in so many people.

      I love this, “I have to consciously choose to go by how I feel, and set the intention for vibrancy + nourishment rather than hitting a specific number.” That is so healthy and awesome. It is also the reason I didn’t own a scale before now. (I absolutely get “numbers obsessed,” too. Amazing how quick that can happen.)

      Thank you, so much, for stopping by, Allie. I appreciate the heck out of your thoughts! 🙂

  8. Oh lord, this post rings so true for me…you have no idea. I’m also totally into self-love and self-acceptance. I think the body shaming is rampant and disgusting and horrible. And yet, no matter how much I support and practice that with others, I am the worst body shamer on earth when it comes to myself.

    It’s horrible. I realized as I sat at the beach yesterday that I have totally let it consume my life, for over eleven years. That makes me feel like shit. But it also fires me up and makes me so angry that I want to kick its ass to the curb and conquer it.

    I will probably do a post on it this week, so stay tuned. But I feel you girl. I feel the whole thing and how much every little piece of negativity adds up and picks away at parts of us. Fuck that. You/we are amazing. We have bodies, we do stuff, we are compassionate (you especially…holy god), and we do our best. That’s enough. That’s brilliant.

    xx, C

    ps. I’m so sorry this has been a shit year for you guys. I wish I could make it better in some way. I’m so glad you have TLM to brighten things. What a wonder.

    • You. Thank you so, so much for writing this.

      “And yet, no matter how much I support and practice that with others, I am the worst body shamer on earth when it comes to myself.” Right?! WHY IS THAT!? We are amazing, like you said. For all of the reasons, and we’re so supportive and encouraging of others and it breaks our hearts when they feel the way we feel. Why are we so hard on ourselves? It’s awful and unfair. It’s worse when we know we’re doing it, but can’t help it.

      I’m glad you got fired up at the beach. It’s so easy to recognize that you’ve been living in that self-shame cycle for more than a decade and accept it as a fact of life. I am really glad that you recognize it and have made the decision to work to change that. There’s something forgiving in that, and you have to be forgiving of yourself for this, hey? Because so much of it isn’t actively your fault.

      And yes, you need to write about this. I want to read your thoughts. More of them, I mean. Please do. I eagerly await! 🙂

      You’re wonderful. Thank you. ❤

  9. suzymmarie says:

    We’re all encouraged to feel shit about ourselves on a daily basis and it can lead us into brilliant and positive changes (as you have so excellently proved) but it also makes us overly hard on ourselves and almost militant in our approach which can be extremely deflating and difficult. Self-love is HARD. One of the hardest things you can do. I am trying to get healthy as you know and I’m still not sure whether I’m doing it out of self-love or self-loathing. It’s ingrained and it’s horrible. Keep trying to be positive as much as possible, you’re doing amazingly! Love ❤

    • “I am trying to get healthy as you know and I’m still not sure whether I’m doing it out of self-love or self-loathing.” That REALLY strikes a chord, Suzy. You’re right. I know that it’s beneficial to me to eat better and exercise more, but is that why I’m doing it? Yes. But also no. I know damn well that I am struggling to meet society’s definition of acceptable, and that makes me so sad. Maybe that’s one of those “at least I recognize that” moments as well, but it’s such bullshit.

      At the end of the day, I really hope that I’m happy with these changes more because of me than because of the jeans I fit into now. (If you know what I mean. It’s not easy to describe this. Not today, anyway. Muddled sort of day.)

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