What do I want to be known for?

Nicole, of a Life Less Bullshit, recently asked a question that I was instantly very strongly drawn to.

What do you want to be known for?

What am I building? What do I want to be known for? What are my dreams, really, and what do I need to let go of in order to move one step closer to making them a reality?

Because….

[…] we’re always building something, whether we’re doing it on purpose or not. And man, doesn’t it feel good when you do it on purpose?

So.

What do I want to be known for?

Thankfully, Nicole asked a few poignant questions to help me figure that out (though I had a pretty good idea).

1. Picture your best self – the person you want to be for the rest of 2014 and beyond. As this person, how are you acting?

Mindfully.

Awareness has come to me as strongly as a word as fox did as a spirit animal so many moons ago. I have been becoming more aware of myself, my thoughts, my actions, the way that I currently interact with the world and the way that I would like to interact with the world. Mindfulness is key, to me. I need to be mindful of the situation, my feelings, the feelings of others, what I am doing and how that effects me and others and whether any possible negative reactions are worth risking.

I need to be mindful and aware so that I continue to life my life for me, not for someone else (as I have, so often, in the past).

2. What are you willing to walk through the fire for?

I label myself a”a writer.” I need to start walking the walk. I need to lose the “I’m too tired to write for ten minutes every evening” (because ten minutes is a more-than-achievable starting point) and buckle down. I need to start advertising my ability (and experience) as a freelance writer and online promotions extraordinaire. I need to take my Magnum Opus from brilliant idea to “in progress.”

I am also willing to walk through fire to pursue my goal of becoming a birth doula. I need to continue to do the pre-reading for the course (which will, rumour has it, come back here in early 2015) and I need to start considering how to advertise for clients and exactly what taking those clients on will look like for me.

3. What are you building?

A better me. A more rounded, balanced Kim-centric Kim.

I have started to understand exactly how important The Self is in relationships. I can’t be the best Wife Kim, Mom Kim, Friend Kim, or Work Kim without first being a successful Kim. I can’t leave my hopes, dreams, wishes and fierce desires on the back-burner to facilitate the hopes, dreams, wishes and fierce desires of others. It doesn’t work like that. I need to be me and to be present.

4. What do you need to release in order to grow how you want to grow and build what you want to build?

Negativity. I have been hugging the notion that I am A Disappointment and A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad (and Selfish) Person very close to me for over a year and it’s time to let that go. I am not a disappointment. I am not a horrible person. I think, I speak, and I act according to my Self. I do none of these things with an intent to harm (ever). I need to understand that I will not be liked by all of the people all of the time (ever) and I need to accept that this is okay (even if the people in question used to be close to me).

I cannot move forward if I continue to embrace fear, anxiety and depression. I will trip over them and probably land on my face.

5. How are you committing to yourself?

Here and now? I am telling you that I will try.

  • I will write each and every day, starting at ten minutes a day (minimum).
  • I will make that next set of counselling appointments that I have been avoiding, because “letting go” has not come naturally to me. I need help (and that’s okay).
  • I will continue to work on any pre-course work I can do for doula certification.
  • I will be mindful of my Self in every conversation, event, interaction and thought I find myself in.
  • I am going to do what I say I am going to do.

I need to be a better me. I need to use all of the events of my life, up until this day and moving forward from it, to be who I am. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I want to be happy. I want to live a life of passions. I want to pass on to my son (and any siblings he may have) that you can be happy in life, you can do what makes you happy and if something isn’t making you happy, or growing you as a person, it is okay to leave that thing behind.

I need to step away from the blur of The Everyday and kneel in the mud to smell wildflowers on the path less traveled.

What about you? What do you want to be remembered for? What is your legacy? What are you working toward?

The Black Keys – Ten Cent Pistol

UNT.

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2 thoughts on “What do I want to be known for?

  1. Cristina says:

    I just want to throw it out there that Selfish isn’t a bad label. Selfish means that you’re putting yourself first and I personally think you need to be MORE selfish and LESS considerate of others’ feelings, especially if someone else’s feelings means you put your needs/wants/desires/feelings/Self last. As women, we’ve been conditioned to “think of others and never ourselves” and all that other bullshit that I can’t think of right now but I know you know what I’m talking about. We’ve also been conditioned to be nice at the expense of ourselves and to sacrifice more than what we’re willing to give, and then some.

    You are the only person that can consider your needs 100% of the time, so be selfish of those 10 extra minutes in the morning (instead of going into work early or whatever), take your full lunch break to do what you want (rather than coming back early to help someone else), etc. You get the picture. 🙂

    That’s a great question, btw.

    • I’m an asshole for waiting this long to reply to this. Good grief.

      YES! Selfishness is not actually a bad thing, especially if we’re talking about taking care of yourself – mentally, physically, creatively, whatever. Because you honestly cannot take care of anyone else in your life if you are not functioning optimally. (If taking care of other people – partners, children, family, friends, co-workers or bosses – is why you’re neglecting your Self, of course.)

      Yes.

      You’re number one! At least, you should absolutely be number one in your own life. If you’re not, you need to sit down and thing. Without you, operating at full capacity, all of the other yous suffer. Spouse You, Parent You, Friend You, Child You, Sibling You, Employee You, all of it. Without YOU, the core of who you are, nourished? It’s all meaningless and you’re probably going to feel it. That dragging feeling. That awful, shit feeling of niggling depression and everything else. The way you feel when you can’t even smile at colourful socks and fox-shaped mugs. It’s bullshit.

      tl;dr: YES. Be fucking selfish. Dammit.

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