(Image sourced via Pinterest)
I tend to be very quiet this time of year. I batten down the hatches and try to avoid the flood of resolutions for what is “just another day.” I don’t pick a word that will define my next twelve months, and I don’t make promises too lofty to keep. Because my head isn’t screwed on just right and (perhaps) my shoes are (a bit) too tight.
But my heart grew three sizes this year and I have decided to let the spirit of the new year in. I have decided to recognize and accept that though there were some truly marvelous and awe-inspiring aspects, 2014 was a shit year. A lingering heartache maintained its dull throb (and sometimes spiked sharply), depression reared its Gorgon head, and I started to doubt everything about myself. The silver lining is that I have a better understanding of myself, and I am a more balanced, wiser person for having experienced this life.
Because I am signed up to receive email updates whenever Nicole Antoinette updates her fabulous blog and website, A Life Less Bullshit, I have been working on her “Screw Your New Year’s Resolutions” booklet for the last few weeks. I decided, when the notification of this event hit my inbox, that this would a good exercise for me for 2015. Here’s the thing about Nicole: she’s all about goals. Realistic, achievable goals. It came as no surprise to me that her booklet is about dreaming big, and then paring down to chewable mouthfuls.
I still don’t have resolutions for the year, because I don’t like the connotations that accompany that word, but I have goals. I have five aspects of my life that I am going to work on, and I have very specific goals in each of those areas. Incredibly un-specifically, I am working on myself. I am going to try very hard to write a reasonable schedule for my free time so that I can start to work on a few very important things that I have let simmer on the back-burner for far too long. I am going to start small and chip away at the wall of procrastination that I have built over so many years of not believing in myself, and I am going to start telling myself that I am worth every success that I will have. I am going to start to appreciate myself and cultivate a sense that I matter (to me).
(That’s where I am. I don’t matter to myself. That’s how bad it’s gotten. I am pretty happy to recognize that. If I know that there’s a problem, and I know what the problem is, then I can start to solve it.)
There is no magic wand. A new year, 2015, isn’t going to erase all of the pain of its predecessors any more than it’s going to show you a glowing path to follow to your own personal glory. The days are what you make them. This year, instead of seeing January 1st as a Thursday, I chose to see it as a new calendar page. A blank slate. Something crisp and clean that I can start to draw on. If that doesn’t work out, there’s always January 2nd (ad infinitum).
Disappointments will happen. Setbacks will happen. Resentment and bitterness and a heavy notion to quit will happen. But successes will also happen and when they do, they will be hard earned and sweeter for it. If I am able to keep afloat, I will be able to look back, this time next year, and know that I was present in and aware of my life, I chose a path and walked it, no matter the pitfalls threatening to trip me up (and sometimes sending me sprawling), and all of my successes are real, and wonderful and mine.
So here we are 2015, let’s get some shit accomplished.
What about you? Do you make resolutions? Did you this year? What are you doing with your life in 2015?